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Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which
appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on
2 March 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled
with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller
safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's
audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to
eat,"
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes
were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper
headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS
MORNING.
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger
Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the
golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets
out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what
are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant."They're
called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin
'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're
for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw,
Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"
| The Irish Love Their Beer |
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into
a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman
pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished
the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as
if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out
of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
3 men board a plane. They are Italian, Spanish,
and Irish. They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle. They fly
to Spain, and drop a bottle. They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb.
They back to Italy and they see a little boy crying. "Little
boy why are you crying" they ask. "Because my daddy
got hit in the head with a beer bottle" They fly to Spain
and they see a little girl crying. "Little girl why are you
crying" they ask. "Because my mommy got hit in the head
with a beer bottle". They fly to Ireland and see a little
boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy why are you laughing"
they ask. "Because my daddy farted and blew up the house"
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